I am in love with Taylor Jenkins. I feel like I will be for the rest of my life. But two stupid mistakes wedged so hard between us. I know Ill never forget just how we met and how special it was to me. And how that first kiss felt. Ill never forget that. Ill never forget the late night on the swings and the first sleepover downstairs. I’ll never forget all the little things I found for her and gave to her. Ill never forget just how much she meant to me. I have never looked at a girl the way I looked at her. I dont know if it was because she was younger than me or because she was so little or what but I just wanted to protect her from everything. I wanted to be her best friend and her boyfriend and her big brother all at the same time. I wanted to save her from a bad life. I wanted her to get good grades and be successful. I wanted to make sure nothing bad ever happened to her. i wanted her to stand up to her parents and be the best she could be. I wanted to always be there for her. The memories engraved in my mind will be there forever. I just feel so terrible. I don’t know how anyone could cheat and throw a 2 year relationship out of the window. I hear all of the horrible things boys do to their girlfriends, about how many times they cheat on them about how many girls they have sex with, about them hitting them, call them bitches, say fuck you, leave them places, slam the door on them, hurt them. But I didnt do any of that and here I am. I wind up hurt worse than ever. I thought Taylor would be the one for me, my dad thought she would be the one for me. My mom loved her, even my sister liked her. I wish I had an extraction tool to remove all those memories. They were so happy, we were so happy. I wanted to be the model couple that made it through college and showed everyone else it wasnt that hard. I bought her things to make her happy, took her to dinner to make her happy, bought movies and clothes and food to make her happy. Brought her flowers on surprise, cleaned her room for her. I did everything just to make her life easier because thats what everyone needs in their life. I just cant imagine my life without her. I’m going to the pool alone all summer, I just wanted to float around in the pool together like we did last summer. I wanted to go to her graduation and beach week and everything. I wanted to see her go to college. I just cant get rid of the memories. I have books of memories, if I read any of those notes right now I would just have a mental lapse. Im bawling right now because of it, I dont know what else to do. I wish I wasnt looking back on our relationship. I wish it was still just getting started. I picked the 21st as my anniversary date because I wanted it to be the last one because thats my favorite number. I wanted to go fishing this summer on the boat with you. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I wanted to get a kitten. I wanted to get a cat with you so bad, I’ve never wanted to get a cat with anyone but you. We made so many memories. We went to DC and New York and Raleigh, Virginia Beach, Williamsburg and Lynchburg together. We ate at the melting pot for our one and two year anniversaries. And im sorry I went to college, I really am. I had to go obviously, but I know it tore us apart. I tried my hardest to be there for you when you needed me, but I dont know if it was good enough. I tried so hard to make it seem like I was home, I tried so hard to keep you happy. I didnt go to parties to make you happy, I didnt hang out with girls to make you happy. I went to baseball games and movies and basketball games, I hung out with my two bros as much as I could. I tried to make everything easier for you. I just tried to be the boy your friends were jealous of. I wanted you to be like well my boyfriend did this or that and them being impressed. Maybe I just like stupid things like that. How am I going to wear any of the shirts you gave me? or do anything. I love you. I love you so much. I didnt know at 17,18,19 I was capable of producing so much love for one person. I dont want to go bang everything that moves, I want you and only you. I want to sleep with you and snuggle with you. I want to just be happy with you again. I wish I could live the days ive had with you over and over. I really learned how to be happy with someone. I learned how to just let things flow and let a relationship work by its self. I learned so much from you. I learned that a girl could be in love with me and love everything about me. I learned that I could pour my soul into something and make someone happy. I just learned so much about love. I learned how to really care. But I also learned how one person can take it all away. I learned how putting your all into something will get you a broken heart. I thought I hurt when Chelsea and I broke up, no. This is so much worse, I dont know what im going to do for the next months. I learned that someone can cheat. that someone can betray every ounce of your trust, that they can be happy with someone else, even for a little while. I never would have thought that Taylor would have cheated on me. Not in a million years. We fought over me being trustworthy at college, and how I wanted to be with girls, but you went and locked yourself in a room with another guy, while I was throwing up sick. I was home to see you and only you, and you go be with another guy. I spend the money for prom and to get home and to come see you and your locking lips with another guy. What did I do? That was the first thing, but then, to decide that you hadnt hurt me enough, you go and hang out with him. You go hang out with him a week after you cheated on me with him. Why? and you didnt tell me, you let the baseball team ride by and ask why your car was still in the parking lot at 8:30 at night. To find out youve been riding around with Dane. I just cant imagine you kissing another guy. Was it like kissing me? Was it like the first night we were together and you were so nervous? did he get to experience that? Will someone else? Will someone else get to love you in the night? I cant imagine that, It makes me so sick to think about. Where do I go from here? We broke up and I want you back. I want you back in my life to share everything weve gone through again. I want to go to the beach, and to the mall and everything. I want us to be better, but I would have to forgive or forget about that horrible thing you did to me. I would have to give you a whole fresh slate and just move on, take the good from the past and you would too. That would be so hard, but would it be too hard ? would it be worth it? I dont know, When we were talking about breaking up earlier I couldnt do that. i couldnt throw away our 2 years unless you were on board. I dont want you to be with anyone else, or me to be with anyone else. I mean I talk to my friends and they say that it has to get worse for it to get better and I’m still a good person, but I dont want anyone else but you. I feel like complete shit that I dont have a girlfriend to confide in. Maybe ill get better or maybe ill get far worse, but I hope maybe once I get home from college and back in VA that we can talk one on one and see what we really want. It scares me that you want to drink in college and all of your darkest moments have happened while you were drinking. It scares me so much, when is the next one? What will happen? I just dont know. Thats why college looks so bleak to me. Thats why I’m so worried about that. But maybe we can work it out, welll always have that blemish on our relationship, we’ll always have that black mark that we can look back and question what happened, but I think once I see you and you see me we wont be able to spend time with anyone else. I think that it would be too hard. I dont know what else to say, but I think if I look at those sticky notes, or read anything you gave me, I would just about die. So im going to relax and take some time for myself until I get home, then we can see. I want us to work, I want us to work so badly but I just need something to be sure of, and right now I have nothing. I’m sorry this happened. I’m sorry. and im sorry to anyone who reads this, I dont even know what it says.

I dont know what happened. Everything was fine, then it all blew up in my face. Like, what did I do? What did I possibly do to deserve this? I mean I try to be the best boyfriend I can, I really do. I mean I hear horror stories about girls and their boyfriend, but now I’m the one laying here wondering. I mean I thought I had a pretty good friend, I thought I had someone I could trust forever, and they both stabbed me in the back. When it first happened, I wasnt mad, I didnt react. Maybe I should have to avoided what happened today. It makes me sick to think about. When my bad things happened, I told Taylor I wasnt going to hang out with that person, I didnt, I didnt. I did the best I could to fix the things I did, I didnt cheat, but I tried so hard to fix it, to make it better. But after the things that happened last week, then you go and hang out with him today? just him and a friend? I just feel so upset about that. Like that is making it so much worse. And then you didnt tell me. You let me find out by myself, or never find out. Like what if I never asked? Would you just keep that a secret that you went and hung out with him? When I acted wrongly, I stopped talking to that person, I told them what was wrong I told them why I couldn’t. But you just go and hang out with them, he’s the highlight of your week, you go to chickfila with him, a place you always want to go with me. You do things you want to do with me, with him. I feel like im getting replaced. I mean I’m not having the time of my life here at college. I take hard courses, I dont get the relief at the end of the week and go to a party, because that upsets you. But you want to go to parties when you go to Tech, but how can I possibly trust you? When do you know you’re going to do that again, theres no meter, theres no magic light that comes on, or I hope it would have come on in the first place. But you dont trust me at a party, but when Im at a party WITH you, that happens. I dont understand. I just try so hard in this relationship and I get that in return. I just feel lower than dirt that you treated me so hard about girls, and you go and do it. That when people are cheated on by their significant other, its like damn that sucks at least I dont have to worry about it. But now i have to worry about it, now im the one thats asking myself when itll happen again. I feel sick to my stomach, I dont even know what to do. I talked to everyone, theyre no help. How could you lock yourself in a bathroom and think thats okay, but whats worse is that you still think its okay to hang out with him a week later. its not okay. itll never be okay. I’m not okay, will I ever be okay?